Anxiety is a bitch.
No, really.
I've always had it. And by always, I mean always. When I was as young as five, I couldn't leave someplace without hugging everyone I knew and letting them know I loved them because even at that young of an age I knew that something horrible might happen to them before I saw them next.
It might be because of Chris. He was my real father, but he passed away when I was three from a motorcycle accident. Which, would be an easy explanation for my anxiety and probably strong abandonment issues. But I don't think it was because of him, simply because I don't remember him.
It might also be because Mama is so sick. She has Syringomyalia. ((Syringo-My-What??)) Or in much much much simpler words, she had a tumor in her spine that had to be cut out when I was very young. Since then she has been plagued by horrible pain everyday of her life. It's probably why I have Small Fiber Neauropathy.
((She'd never say it, but I know she blames herself for my pain. I don't really know what I could possible say to prove her wrong.))
But I still don't think that's what caused my anxiety either. I was very young when this started and at that age I wouldn't think I'd really be able to comprehend Mama's sickness. But then, of course, I wonder what did cause it? Was it a certain event, or am I just naturally this way?
Anyways, the reason I bring this up is because I've recently been taken off my ADHD medicine- the medicine I've been on since I was seven- and put on a new kind that is supposed to also help with my Neauropathy. And since I've switched my anxiety and self esteem problems have skyrocketed.
I get easily angered when plans change at last minute, or when things are more difficult when they should be, or when things aren't like how I like them. It's almost like OCD, in the fact that when something I don't like or something I don't expect happens it feels like my whole world is thrown off center and I have to rush to put it back on track before I topple into the nothingness below. And when I'm rushing I can't help but breathe heavy and get angry and upset.
And when I do get upset I always take it out on Mama. I snap at her and yell at her and get offended and aggravated by her so easily. She's going to end up hating me soon, I just know it. But once again I honestly don't know what to do about it.
My therapist is working on a way for me to control things, which I'll find out about on Thursday. I wonder if it'll work?
2 comments:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear all of that. If it helps I still tell those I love I love them all the time because I know that I may never see them alive again. I am also very paranoid. Last night the paranoia was really bad because I called my parents and they didn't pick up the phone and when I drove by their house all the cars were there and they have a winery in the basement and last night I was thinking that maybe someone had come to the winery and killed them (not the first time I've had a thought like this) and I could hardly sleep, thinking they were dead and no one knew it and what would I do if they were? Luckily I fount out this morn that they weren't killed and had just went out with some friends and they drove in the friend's car.
Thank God O.O
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