Broke

Bankruptcy.

That's one scary fucking word.

And it's also a word that has been said by my mother in front of me three times. And who knows how often it's been said while I was out of the room.

I'm not saying that I don't want her to say it in front of me; I'm a grown up and I need to know these situations.

That doesn't make it any less scary though.

Anxiety

Anxiety is a bitch.

No, really.

I've always had it. And by always, I mean always. When I was as young as five, I couldn't leave someplace without hugging everyone I knew and letting them know I loved them because even at that young of an age I knew that something horrible might happen to them before I saw them next.

It might be because of Chris. He was my real father, but he passed away when I was three from a motorcycle accident. Which, would be an easy explanation for my anxiety and probably strong abandonment issues. But I don't think it was because of him, simply because I don't remember him.

It might also be because Mama is so sick. She has Syringomyalia. ((Syringo-My-What??)) Or in much much much simpler words, she had a tumor in her spine that had to be cut out when I was very young. Since then she has been plagued by horrible pain everyday of her life. It's probably why I have Small Fiber Neauropathy.

((She'd never say it, but I know she blames herself for my pain. I don't really know what I could possible say to prove her wrong.))

But I still don't think that's what caused my anxiety either. I was very young when this started and at that age I wouldn't think I'd really be able to comprehend Mama's sickness. But then, of course, I wonder what did cause it? Was it a certain event, or am I just naturally this way?

Anyways, the reason I bring this up is because I've recently been taken off my ADHD medicine- the medicine I've been on since I was seven- and put on a new kind that is supposed to also help with my Neauropathy. And since I've switched my anxiety and self esteem problems have skyrocketed.

I get easily angered when plans change at last minute, or when things are more difficult when they should be, or when things aren't like how I like them. It's almost like OCD, in the fact that when something I don't like or something I don't expect happens it feels like my whole world is thrown off center and I have to rush to put it back on track before I topple into the nothingness below. And when I'm rushing I can't help but breathe heavy and get angry and upset.

And when I do get upset I always take it out on Mama. I snap at her and yell at her and get offended and aggravated by her so easily. She's going to end up hating me soon, I just know it. But once again I honestly don't know what to do about it.

My therapist is working on a way for me to control things, which I'll find out about on Thursday. I wonder if it'll work?

Let's Try This Whole "Discuss Your Feelings" Thing..

Mom yelled at me today. And by yelled at, I mean we both fought and we probably both said things we didn't mean.

I understand why. She was angry I didn't think something I did was important enough. She was mad I was trying to be responsible (by not celebrating finally doing something right in my life in order to save money) and she was mad that I was okay with something Naomi did. She thinks Naomi treated me like shit. But I don't think she did; Or if she did, I don't blame her. Which is odd for me. Who knew my old ADHD medicine gave me self-esteem? Apparently, I need to start taking it again, screw these new meds..

I think she was also mad because I've been such a horrible bitch lately. I'd like to say that- since I know I'm doing it- I'll stop. But I won't. My anxiety has sky rocketed in the last month and with I have become a bundle of easily set off traps and explosions. And she is the person I spend the most time with, so I snap at her the most.

It just occurred to me that, while I have been thinking that the sooner I move in with Jeremy the sooner things will get better with my mom, I will probably end up alienating him too. If I don't fix this mess I'll end up just alienating everyone, probably.

And that's certainly not good.. O.O

So...

So.. Not sure why I'm doing this. But I've been stressed and my BFF LYKE WOA decided to make one and it seems to help her. So, I'll write on here about crazy crap and normal crap and beautiful crap and all other types of crap.

How frequent I get on depends on whether or not it's easy to post from my iPhone...